Wayne Dyer originally wrote this self help book in 1979 and most of it still holds as true today as it did then. It's all about not allowing others to force you into doing what they want - thereby essentially turning you into a resentful victim - and instead learning to live your life free from guilt and manipulation no matter what tactics are used on you.
I have the original 1970s edition and first read it back in 2000 when I was living in the states. It's surprising how much of my current personality and life I owe to the one year I was there, because it was in a local book shop that I discovered self-help books and started on the journey of understanding myself and changing to achieve my goals in life. This book was pivotal to that journey and without it I would not be the strong person I am now.
The main message of the book is this:
“You are being victimized whenever you find yourself out of control of your life. If you are not pulling the strings, then you are being manipulated by someone or something else.”
Common examples include
a) people trying to shame you with past behaviours and what you "should have" done instead of what you did do, because Victimisers like to keep you focused on your past behaviour to ensure you won't get what you need now or an action which is needed won't be taken
b) being blackmailed to attend family events that you can't stand, like Great Aunt Maud's yearly Turkey Curry Party on Boxing Day,
c) being made to do something at work you don't want to, like organising a staff outing
d) accepting flakey or irrational behaviour from someone because you don't want to hurt their feelings.
We can all recall instances in our lives when people try and make us do what they want us to do. My personal favourite was when a man I'd had dinner with once rang me up and laid out a detailed plan for us to spend an entire weekend together without asking what my plans were or whether I was remotely interested in dating him a second time.
If I recall, he told me when I was going to be getting up the following morning, what train I'd be catching to visit him, where i was going to be sleeping, the places we were going to visit and even where we'd be stopping for lunch and dinner on both days and what we'd be eating. I couldn't get a word in edgeways. The phrase 'control freak' sprang to mind.
He was fairly enraged when I turned him down and he cited all the time and effort he's spent putting this plan together and how selfish I was to not appreciate this and agree to his plan. Then he started on a concerted effort to change my mind by pointing out all the other women who would have jumped at the chance to do this with him and how I was the one he'd picked to do this with. And how I'd regret it for the rest of my life because he'd planned a weekend that would 'blow every other weekend I'd ever had out of the water'.
Guilt loaded on guilt followed and thankfully the doorbell rang so I could get away from him. I was very careful not to pick up the phone for several weeks after that and turned my answerphone off so he couldn't leave a message. I've no idea what happened to him and quite frankly don't care either. But it's a classic example of someone trying to pull your strings, not really caring what your plans or feelings on the matter are. All that matters is you fall in with their plans.
This book can help free you from all of that. It teaches you to recognise when people are doing it by the phrases they use and the behaviour they display. But most of all, it teaches you to recognise victimisation behaviours that YOU indulge in without realising, such as trying to prove yourself all the time.
I must confess, I've been guilty of this in the past and do still indulge in this behaviour. Wayne talks about how trying to make other people recognise your worth all the time in fact serves to erode your own self confidence and self esteem, not to mention reputation in other people's eyes. Wayne's advice on escaping this is to be quietly effective:
“Practice being quietly effective by postponing announcements about your achievements. Time yourself on one-, two-, or three hour delays, and then ask yourself if you still have to tell someone. This is particularly useful for handling news that will make you appear superior to the person you are informing. The delay system works because after waiting for several hours, or even days, you no longer feel the urgency to portray yourself as a winner, and once the news does come out (if it does), you will seem like what you are becoming - a person who takes achievements calmly and modestly in stride.”
I love this book and think it should be mandatory reading at schools. I still pull this out every now and then when people try and pull my strings to remind me not to fall for it, that I'm on this planet to achieve my own goals and dreams and not others. They must be responsible for their own.
For example, I'm frequently considered selfish and ungrateful because I don't 'return' an silently 'expected' favour - and by that I mean someone does something for me without me asking and without telling me they intend to do it and they expect a favour or lavish praise in return. I don't take part in that game because I have no control over what these people are going to do next and don't want to be obligated, but I will thank them for doing something if I am genuinely grateful for them doing it.
If you want to do something for someone, just do it happily, whole-heartedly and without expecting anything back. A classic example in my life would be some years ago when someone chose to make a charity donation on my behalf without my permission and then asked me for the money later. If I had been faced with the collector myself, I would not have supported that charity and refused to donate, but the choice was taken away from me by someone who subsequently tried to make me feel guilty about the whole thing. They couldn't turn down the charity collector because they felt they would be labelled a bad person to do so - and then projected that onto me. I support the charities I feel most strongly touch me and my beliefs - and not somebody else's.
I am entitled to live my life free from guilt and manipulation and I do just that. If we all did, we would be so much happier every single day.